Wednesday, 15 November 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 11/15/17

Somehow, it’s the Christmas season in the middle of November and I find myself not minding that much. As you all know, I have a rather complicated relationship with Christmas. I love the snow and the unrelenting optimism and friendliness of unsuspecting victims; but on the other hand: my family drains the life from me with every phone call and unexpected visit and eventually that unrelenting optimism becomes an elusive cynicism that is impossible to manage.

As usual, the moment Halloween was over – and even a little bit before – all the Christmas decorations came out and the holiday music started playing. It must be so odd as a musician to write and record Christmas music months and months in advance. I don’t actually know how long it takes to produce an album but I imagine Michael Bublé in his recording studio on the Fourth of July singing about decking the halls.

How did that man establish himself as a staple of the holiday season? You have Butter-whatever Turkey, Oceanview Cranberries, and Michael Bubbles. That and whatever Starbucks is happening – although, confession, I am definitely an Eggnog Latte with extra chocolate sprinkles (in case any of you were wondering) – seems to define the modern Western Christmas.

I won’t go off into a tangent about the rampant consumerism of our contemporary culture – mostly because those are college essay words and I am beyond that. And frankly I don’t care that our society has become obsessed with itself. It makes my job easier.

I know that life is not all about death but it’s something I’ve passionate about. If I could get paid for it, I would – although we’ve already established that assassination does not allow for nearly enough creativity or freedom. Maybe I should find another hobby as well. Just to balance things out. Any suggestions?

In any case; I’m feeling quite calm and content right now. I might actually be looking forward to the holidays this year. Of course, my mother hasn’t called yet. We’ll see if the two of us can get through the holiday season without incident.

I doubt it. What fun would that be? I don’t know if that sentence was grammatically correct. Any English majors in my reader-base?

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 8 November 2017

Your Mid-Week Update 11/08/17

I’ve often thought about writing a book. Some tell-all tale about my life as the secret killer of [name redacted. Obviously] published anonymously as the next best-selling novel of a generation. And then I remembered that this is the internet and nothing is anonymous. I miss those days. When you could be or say anything and people had to believe you because all of your information is immediately accessible. I grew up just after the epic age of rampaging murderers, charming killers who could lure you down any dark alley. When it wasn’t safe to even walk in groups or stay at home alone. What a time to be alive!

Literally. There were so many active serial killers roaming the streets, you were more likely to survive a colonial winter. Do you know how many…


I went downstairs for a cup of coffee and genuinely forgot what I was about to say. Don’t you hate that?

The point is, I’m living in a time where killing is not as easy as playing the victim and charming people into your car. I never truly had those days but now, true anonymity is a thing of the past.

I know that one day the world will discover all of my secrets but until then, I’m going to enjoy my little corner of the world and stave off the book writing for right before my trial – poison the jury pool. Not that I plan on ever getting caught. I’ve thought long and hard about how I want my days to end. Nothing will ever be quite good enough to close on the greatest serial killer of the 20th and 21st centuries. Oh yes, I’ve checked the numbers. I made it to the top! I wonder if this is a record the Guinness people will want to recognize.

One day my work will be studied. I guarantee.

Or perhaps no one will ever find out and I’ll fade into obscurity.

I don’t know which I’d want more: to be finally recognized for my years of hard work; or to never be caught even in death.

Decisions, decisions.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 1 November 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 11/01/17

Halloween was fantastic. It’s the most I’ve enjoyed a holiday in a while. I got to completely lose myself in the (fairly recent) gore-y traditions.

You know how there’s only one real case of poison-laced candy? Now there’s two.

You know how the dumb blonde in horror movies always goes up the stairs instead of out the front door? It’s true for any hair colour.

You know how you walk down some deserted street alone and you just KNOW that this is when you’re going to die? I waited until you were in a crowd of people to stab you from behind. They never noticed you until I was already gone.

That’s the beauty of Halloween: everyone is in disguise.

This year, the local police department set up a haunted house to raise money and create a “safe and fun space for kids to go”. It was the perfect hunting ground. If you went into the house after 10, only half of that blood was fake. If you went in after midnight, you never came out again. Of course, if you went in after 1, you’d have no idea what I was talking about. The only thing our police department is thorough in is cleanups. Their crime scenes are immaculate after an investigation is through.

That’s not meant as a slight against my husband; he’s very good at his job, and I’m sure if I gave the rest of his department a fair chance, they might be able to catch me.

Eventually.

I’m still riding that high from last night. So many people scarred for life (in more ways than one). I love a good slasher night. And Halloween is just…too perfect.

Of course, I’m exaggerating; I only killed three people. I’m not stupid enough to go on a full-on murder-spree in the middle of a police event – I’m good but I want to live. Still, I had fun and a lot of guests were entertained.

I made Jason stay home to hand out Halloween candy. He made some off-handed remark about having to cancel plans for me but I know he didn’t have any plans. No costume, no late-night phone calls (the walls are too thin), no new friends. He wasn’t going anywhere. At least I gave him an excuse – and I didn’t call him out. I can be a good mother.

At least I didn’t tell him what I was up to all night.

I know he still doesn’t approve but he doesn’t ask me to stop so I won’t push him either. It’s a mutual silent agreement. That’s good enough for me.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 25 October 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 10/25/17

I’ve had a confusing weekend. James texted last week and suggested we play cops and robbers. I’ll admit, I thought it was going to be a sex thing but it turned out to be a car thing and way more fun. Not really. Our sex life is very healthy. Stop asking.

So, the “car thing” was a roleplay of cops and robbers where we sit in a car, with a sunglasses and an unused radar, and pick out victims. We made a game out of it, calling out a colour or number and the first car that passes matching our description, we follow. Either we’d lose the car or we’d follow it to their destination and kill them. I learned so much about how police “tail” a suspect, and covert movement this weekend than I have in the entire time we’ve been married.

That’s not to say James hasn’t taught me things about his work, or shared his experiences.

Shut up.

We played his game of cops and robbers all weekend but at night, we played my game but I have to admit, I might have liked his version better. Maybe I’m just not as into roleplay as I previously thought.

On a completely unrelated note, Halloween is coming up and I haven’t decided if I’m going out this year. Unless something upsets my plans, I usually go out in costume and terrorize a random neighbourhood with death and dismemberment. This year, I almost forgot it was coming up and I have yet to find my location for the year. Am I too old to use Halloween as an excuse to maim and terrorize people?

God I hope not. I’ll just have to do a few midnights runs around the city to find my target in time. And I do mean those runs literally. I haven’t abandoned that little nugget. In case anyone was wondering. It’s still as exhausting as ever and I’m still dreading the early morning chill. Why is it so cold and yet my body is so hot?

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 18 October 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 10/18/17

Exercising is difficult. Not the act itself – well, yes – but forming a new habit. Especially good habits. As I’ve discovered the hard way over the years I have a very addictive nature. I start something that’s probably not good for me (or others) and it sticks. My working theory now is that I can form good habits that same way.

So far that hasn’t been the case but there’s a first time for everything.

Instead of going to the gym last week, I started running in the mornings. It actually felt really good when the weather was nice but Friday was so cold I got about five minutes from the house before I had to turn back. But I do like the benefits of running. Physical exercise, fresh air, early morning awareness; and if I happen to meet a fellow running and stalk them into the park before bashing their head into a tree and stabbing them twelve times then that’s just bonus.

Speaking of which. I have definitely slept in this morning and if I’m going to start this supposedly healthy habit I need to be consistent. That means going out at the same time every day. Which means I’m running late – pun intended?

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 11 October 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 10/11/17

I’ve never been overly athletic. I’ve gained muscle and some stamina from my extra-curricular activities but I’m not skinny or a picture of health. I’d like to think that I can still do all the things I want to do, despite my body.

A victim got away from me yesterday and I had to chase him down to kill him. I was winded and it took significant effort to finally subdue him. I think I should face the fact that I’m not as young as I once was. I know how time works – I know that I’m getting older – but in the past, I didn’t have to work as hard to chase someone down or snap their neck. The simple answer is that I need to start going to the gym or working out at home OUTSIDE of my murder sprees. It’s not shameful; it’s just facts.

Still, I’ll admit it was a little disheartening when I couldn’t do something that once came so easily to me. I can be proud that I’m doing something I truly enjoy – not for a full-time job but certainly a priority in my life; and I’m definitely more fit than most of my colleagues at the office.

I’m going to be more physically active this week. Walk to work. Maybe hit the gym. I’ll talk to James and see if there’s something we can do together. I think it’d be good for us to find a couple’s activity outside the bedroom. It certainly couldn’t hurt our communication skills – they’re not bad, there’s just always room for improvement.

That’s the theme for the week: Always Room for Improvement.

I’m sure this is basic grammar but why do we capitalize some words in a title but not others? If there are any English majors in my reader-base, please comment and let me know.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 4 October 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 10/04/17

Ah the first fall of snow. It's cold, slushy, and perfect for body disposal. The body may be eventually found but all of that mush and snow destroys crime scene evidence. It's more than never getting caught, it's knowing that they are so close and will never get there. Now once winter properly hits, it presents its own challenges but that first snow makes me feel like a kid again: I just want to play.

The first snow fall also makes finding victims easier. People forget how to drive for a few hours that morning. I thought I would be more frustrated with them but it’s tradition now. People who had the foresight to get their tires changed before the first snow are possible more annoying. I would make an appointment to get my tires changed except the rest of the week calls for sunny skies and warm weather. Is it worth it? You’d think these minor daily problems wouldn’t plague me but those are the things that should get to you; the things you can change. Let it bother you for a little bit, then fix it and move on. That’s how I handle laundry, at least.

Yesterday I drove past one of those chain mechanic shops and followed one of their customers home. I garroted him what turned out to be a few blocks from his house. Tragic. The news attributed it to gang violence which is apparently a problem in that area.

I really need to thank the gangs of this city and area. They get blamed for so much of my shit. I should send them a basket. What do gangs like? Fruit? Guns? Do you think they’re muffin people? Where would I even leave it?

Questions that will plague me until I find a solution.

Do I have any gang-affiliated readers? Let me know; I’ll order an Edible Arrangement.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 27 September 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 09/27/17

As promised, I approached my new project on Monday morning. Now, I want to make it clear: this woman isn’t going to die for several months. We’re playing the long game on this one. Especially in the early days, when we’re getting to know each other, I won’t have much to share about this project. This whole week is about establishing myself as a regular feature in her life.

We’re going to call her Mary because that’s easy to remember.

I will probably forget by next week.

I should apologize for all those times I’ve forgotten one of the “code names” over the years. I use them to help protect everyone’s identity but I don’t always write things down or remember to go back and look at the names I’ve used. Bless you, dear readers, for sticking with me after all this time. I don’t always put as much effort into this blog as I could.

Anyways,

Maggie came in on Monday at her usual time. I stood in the pick up section and “accidentally” grabbed her drink instead of mine. I expected it to lead to a light-hearted introduction. Instead, I got her coffee thrown down my dress and a few choice words I won’t even use on this blog. I was 2 seconds from following her out the door and slitting her throat but I opted to be kind and patient. At least for one more day. I had to go home and change so I was late for work but all in all, it wasn’t a horrible day.

Year-end means we’re still sort and filing, and labeling, and dealing with temps. Heather has barely been at her desk the past few days.

Tuesday morning, Mary arrived at the same time – again – but this time, after receiving her drink, she came over to my table. She asked if she could sit and I let her. She then apologized for yesterday, saying she had just received some unfortunate news and clearly didn’t take it well. I agreed, and let her hand me a few dollars to cover my dry-cleaning (jokes on her, I just threw that old sweater dress in the laundry). She then called over her older gentleman friend and the three of us drank and chatted for a little while before I honestly had to leave for work. It definitely wasn’t because our conversation was boring as fuck.

Seriously, how can one person be so obsessed with reality television and know nothing about the real world? I am certainly not one to talk at length about politics but she didn’t have one thing to contribute to the conversation except for localized celebrity gossip. Why do you care so much?

More than patience for the long-kill, I’m going to need all of my self-control in order to keep a feigned interest in this woman’s life.

Give me strength.

Hopefully something – anything will have happened today. I need something to ignore as I drink my overpriced coffee. She better be worth it.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 20 September 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 09/20/17

You know what I haven’t done in YEARS? A good old-fashioned murder mystery. One targeted murder, a full investment in the victim’s family, several reasonable suspects for the police to arrest, and so much unnecessary drama. I thought about this last week on my way home from work. I would need to find someone easy with lots of “friends” with a motive.

I’ve been watching this woman at a local coffee shop.

You know I’ve never put much stock in the old coffee shop trope but routines are important when hunting for victims. Any good killer knows that. So I’ve been watching this woman at a local coffee shop – wasting tens of dollars on slightly burnt pumpkin spice – and I think she might be the one.

She comes in every day at the same time with this man who looks at least 20 years older. He always pays for whatever she orders. She always kisses him on the cheek and smiles lovingly. But as soon as he gets up, she’s on her phone. I came in on Sunday and she was there alone; still on her phone. There were a few other people I recognized but no one did more than nod in her direction. The entire time she was there, though, she didn’t order anything. She sat at that table for hours. I played so many games of solitaire on my laptop – I officially suck at solitaire by the way – and then around 5pm she just left. Monday morning, she was back with her elderly gentleman. It was odd.

I’m headed there before work to see what she’s up to. I suspect more sitting and texting. Should be very entertaining. Maybe I’ll give it a week before striking up a conversation. I need to know what I’m getting myself into.

In the meantime, I figure one or two kills a week will keep me going. I find when I’m working on a long project like this, I need to blow off steam; do something that’s not necessarily challenging or mentally engaging, but fun.

Me-time is very important to mental health, dear readers. If I’ve taught you anything over the years – it’s probably not mental health. But if I’VE learned anything about certain trips to the psychiatric ward, it’s that you can’t cut yourself off completely from the things you enjoy.

Projects like this are hard but the reward is 10 times what a regular kill offers. Still, keeping up the routine is just as important for killers as it is for victims. Familiarity breeds contentment. That’s the phrase right? I’m pretending it is.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 13 September 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 09/13/17

You guys are lucky to even get an update this week. I remembered it was Wednesday as I was walking out the door and I’m typing this in the 15 minutes before anyone else gets in and catches me writing at work.

Let’s see…

The world is in chaos.

I’m killing at a fairly consistent pace.

Jason is working.

James is working.

I’m working.

It’s all…working.


I’m sorry, dear readers. I am just not in the mood to write a fluffy update when I have nothing to write about. Sometimes everyday things just aren’t exciting. Sometimes I don’t want to tell you about my day. It feels like there HAS to be something interesting each week but there just isn’t.

You know, I started this blog as a way to express my dark urges and share my murderous whimsy but it feels like more of a chore some days.

I know that’s why I forced this weekly deadline on myself – so I wouldn’t bottle anything up, and I could share everything safely, and document my life. But on the days when I don’t have to overwhelming urge to express myself, these updates can feel forced.

Maybe I…

Maybe I need to find something exciting to write about.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 6 September 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 09/06/17

And thus begins the months of business hell. September is when we have to keep every record, make sure storage is cleared and organized, and store every little detail on file. It’s when we hoard everything and simultaneously clear the decks. It’s when we hire a lot of temps.

Ah temps: the necessary evil.

Now, I’ve done it. I’ve worked the odd hours and done the jobs no one else would do just to pay rent. I get it. I hated it. But if a temp isn’t good at their job it makes life so much harder. Meet Sally the Temp. She tries hard…that’s about it. Two days, and I have spent more time fixing her mistakes than I have doing my own work. Well, technically Heather has spent all that time fixing Sally’s mistakes. I may as well officially lend my assistant to babysitting the temps. She’s going to hate me when I tell her today. As long as she keeps Sally away from my desk for 5 minutes today, it’ll be worth it.

I am determined not to kill any of the temps until all the work is done. I’m trying to be a little more considerate of my fellow coworkers. They may not kill to vent their frustrations but plenty of them have their own little…quirks.

Like Roger who wears women’s underwear for “good luck” when his team is playing. Or Christine who has a written warning about watching porn at work that I’m absolutely not supposed to know anything about. Or Kal who knits during his lunch break (the secret is, he’s really bad at it). Or Dana who pours a little bit of alcohol into every single cup of coffee she drinks. I’ve yet to find the source of her drinking habit, but I’m sure it’s a good one.

I know I shouldn’t gossip about my coworkers and normally I don’t care unless it’s really juicy. Honestly, office gossip is a nice distraction from the monotony of work.

And now I get why Dana drinks.

It must be so boring to be ordinary. To feel the need to develop a ritual or distraction to escape from the everyday.

I’m sorry, that sounded incredibly condescending. I sometimes forget that not everyone is so willing to accept their indulgences. People are so funny. Why shouldn’t we embrace our quirks. Granted, my quirk is technically illegal but the point stands: don’t be ashamed to be the stuff of gossip. Own your awful quirks.

This has been your daily motivation from your favourite serial killer.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 30 August 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 08/30/17

Not much to report this week. I’m trying to enjoy the warm weather while it’s still here. It seems like half the office is off on vacation – though, in reality, it’s only two. It was just two of the productive ones. Everything has been quiet at home. I know I haven’t talked about them in a while but that’s just because everything is okay.

I think we’re out of milk.

That’s as crazy as it gets right now. I think I’ve talked about this before but lulls aren’t bad. It’s when you start obsessing that lulls become dangerous. I suppose that’s true of everything; if you let it consume your thoughts it’ll take over every part of you.

Look at me, with the semi-clever lines.

As I said; all’s well.


I cannot think about it; the lull. Like a calm before the storm. This happens every time and yet I never learn. Maybe I never will.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 23 August 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 08/23/17

Have I ever told you about my 21st birthday murder spree? 21 is a huge time in a girl’s life. It’s a time of growth, and change. Even if it’s not a huge legal milestone, we’re still conditioned to celebrate it as a rite of passage into adulthood. This was just before I started writing this blog. I got the idea for it after this night. I wanted to be able to share my experiences without, you know, getting arrested.

My sister and I went out with some friends and got exceptionally drunk. It may have lowered my inhibitions but I certainly enjoyed myself.

It started at the first bar, then the next, then the next. We began the night with 8 friends, ended with 6. One went home. The other was found outside a McDonalds 4 blocks away. I also met some lovely strangers that night; too many to count obviously but there were certainly 5 who stayed in my memory.

The first was a bouncer at a club (that I don’t think is open anymore). It was our first stop of the night so we hadn’t had much to drink but one of the girls was very eager to get the night started right away. I took the opportunity to hold her hair back in the alleyway and scope out my first victim. While Chelsea was busy puking her guts out, I snagged the bouncer as he switched shifts. Quick and painless garroting. Always keep wire in your purse, ladies. It’s so useful.

Then there was the cab driver on the way to our third bar. I poisoned him. Heat activated capsule of boric acid in his coffee cup when he wasn’t looking.

Just kidding – though didn’t that sound cool? One thing on my bucket list is to kill someone like I was a spy in some noir story. Or like a foreign secret agent who shall not be named mostly because I’m unsure of copyright laws.

Anyways, it was way easier. While one of the girls was paying the fare, I slashed a tire and cut some sort of wire – cars were never my thing. He crashed a few blocks later and then was hit by another car when he tried to escape.

Next was the girl sitting next to us at the bar. Just before we left, I poured a cap of bleach into her drink. By that point, we were all too drunk to remember much of anything which made the police’s job so much harder – and our alibis that much easier to make up.

Lastly, there was a couple who worked at a restaurant near one of the girls’ apartments. We ordered food from them and when I stepped out for fresh air not long after, I used the wire (cleaned of course) on both of them; leaving them to be sent to the city dump and – to my knowledge – never be found.

It really was a wonderful night. Not only did I get to spend time with my friends – even if some were more interested in partying than staying together – but I got to indulge and enjoy myself on my own terms. What a night!

Sandra would have been 21 on Monday. There’s so much she’ll never get to do. So many people she’ll never get to be. What should have been a momentous day is still so filled with sadness. You are forever in my heart, my darling.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 16 August 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 08/16/17

At no point in history do I ever want to see myself as a moral superior. I kill people for sport. I find pleasure in taking other’s lives and I feel no remorse. For all intents and purposes I am a monster in society – albeit a charming and witty one – but a monster nonetheless.

I have prided myself on creating a blog that is the culmination of fantasy and reality. Not every detail is true but there’s enough to offer an insight into my daily life, and it allows me to anonymously vent my frustrations to the world.

In a life that is dark and unrelenting, I need to be reminded of my own humanity. My career and my personal life have been rather chaotic as of late. To tell you the truth, I haven’t had a completely stress-free week since I started killing; but these last few years have been particularly rough.

Losing a child – a loved one – is never easy.

Normally I would use this space to tell you about my latest kill or some ridiculous thing Heather has done this week but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’ve ignored a lot of world events and avoided talking about politics on this blog but too much has happened lately.

We are as close to destruction as we were at the height of the Cold War. We’ve been like that for nearly 8 months now and it’s only gotten worse. There is so much hate in the world I feel like the only sane one. I don’t know who’s worse: them or me. To kill with reason or without? I don’t discriminate in choice of victim. When I kill, it’s not because I think it’s right or good. I kill because it’s fun and I’m good at it – and if you want to do something right, you have to do it yourself.

I use a lot of humor in my writing because I am so accustomed to death and yes, that does make me a monster; but there are things worse than monsters in the world. There are things I can’t warn you against or protect my loved ones from. Sometimes it’s just over.

The reason I’m writing this is to remind you, my dear readers, to keep going. I would hate to see you stop doing what you believe in because monsters – or worse – threaten your life. But you cannot retaliate. Fighting hate with hate will only make that clock tick faster. Be more resilient than the things that would tear you down.

It’s all quiet on the home front. No more killing today.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 9 August 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 08/09/17

Short and brief today. Mostly because I am exhausted and it’s bad enough I have to stare at a computer screen all day. The heat wave has been killing me. My sleep cycle is so off and nothing has really helped it. I tried Melatonin, fans, cold compress, I even slept downstairs for a few nights but my neck severely disagreed with that. Ever since that car accident a few years ago, I need a soft even surface to sleep on.

Anyways, this sleeplessness has led to more than a few late night murder trips just to move around. I get so restless lying in bed with nothing to do but sweat. But because I’ve been so exhausted, I’m not as focused as I could be – I know that – still, it’s fun.

So I wrestling with one of my attackers and he did not get the upper hand but he did have me backed against a wall. Now I learned this trick from Outlander – the tv series, not the books; I haven’t read the books so I don’t know, maybe it’s also featured in the books – of all places. It’s a wonder I’ve never used it before. I stabbed him in the back, under the ribs and in an upward thrust motion. I try my best not to get into a position where I need to stab someone who’s on top of me. But if the occasion ever arises again, I know what to do.

I’m actually quite liking Outlander. It’s a good series. Those too seem to have a healthy love life which is such a rare thing in television. Either they’re never fucking or they’re doing it all the time. I just mean it’s nice to see a couple enjoy one another instead of their relationship being so one-sided. Although, I may be wrong. For all I know the books don’t match up at all. Have any of you dear readers read Outlander? How does the series compare?

Alright, I need to rest my eyes. Seriously. I’m going to take a nap at lunch today. I may not even make it until then. Hope your day is good; mine will certainly drag on.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 2 August 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 08/02/17

This summer has absolutely flown by. I cannot believe it’s August already. I was going to ask the boys if they wanted to go on vacation but we’ve only got a month left before the fall.

Although…

No one is confined to a certain schedule. No one is attending school or has any major plans. What if we took a family trip later in the year? October in Europe might be interesting. Or perhaps a cruise? I’ve always wanted to go to the Caribbean. Now is it Car-i-bean or Cari-bee-an?I think it depends on the context but what do you think, dear readers?

Speaking of my dear readers, I wanted to talk about you today.

I was having lunch with Heather the other day and we started talking about murder. After the incident with her ex-husband, she realized that it had not been my first time handling a dead body – or the discrete disposal of one – so she asked me if I had experience I told her I had.

People who kill together have no secrets. Or at least they shouldn’t.

She knows that I at least kill people or have killed people in the past (enough to be calm in the face of trauma) so at lunch yesterday, she asked me a very interesting question:

How do you choose your victims?

First, I assured her that I’m not some secret government agent or ruthless assassin – although I would make an excellent Black Widow-type…if I hit the gym a little bit more than one a month. Killing is a sport for me. It’s a weekend hobby that I’m quite good at. Most days, there’s no rhyme or reason to who I choose. If they cross my path, they’re a potential victim. But then she said: “but not everyone you choose wanders down a dark alley alone in the middle of the night, how do you get them alone?”

Here’s where you come in, dear readers.

When I say everyone is a potential victim, I mean it. There is no safety in numbers, there is no protection under a streetlight, you’re not safe in a crowded room. If someone is intent on harming you, they will find a way and you are not safe unless you can fight back – and even that is not a guarantee.

The best thing you can do is avoid being careless. Opportunistic killers are much easier to handle. I swim between the realms of “opportunistic” and “targeted” so some of this will apply to my potential victims.

The easiest way for me to trap someone is if they’re walking alone at night. There’s less light, less people, and less awareness of your surroundings. However, I’ve absolutely backed away from someone who was on the phone with a loved one. If I know your absence will be missed right away, I’ll admit, I’m less inclined to take the opportunity. If you’ve been targeted for a specific reason then you’re shit out of luck, sweetie pie. Your loved ones may very well hear you die but that’s how it goes.

If you’re in a group, it is easier than you think to be snatched from the back of a pack. I sometimes do this just for fun. To prove I can do it. The ultimate goal is isolation so if you’re already alone, or you’ve fallen behind from your group, beware. Day or night, it’s not that hard. I will say, if you fight me, there’s a 50% chance I’ll want to kill you more out of spite. There’s no guarantee. Your only hope of survival is to not get caught.

Those of the big ones when it comes to isolating and killing. If you’re alone – or I can easily get you alone – and you piss me off, you’re done for.

Now not everyone who walks alone at night down a dark, deserted alley, will become a victim. It’s a numbers game. You could go your whole life without being murdered.

That was a little joke.

The point is, everyone I pass is a potential target, but that doesn’t mean that everyone will become one. My advice to the living and potentially dead is this: keep going. If you’re going to die at my hands then it will happen no matter what you do. So enjoy your life. Leave good things behind when I kill you.

And as always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 26 July 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 07/26/17

You’ll be happy to know I opted to confront my husband verbally about his emotional avoidance. At first. It quickly escalated into a physical altercation. We had a tussle in the bedroom on Thursday night and not in a fun way. I told you: if he won’t talk to me, he’ll need to be punished. Really, it was just a lot of shouting and shoving each other around until I pinned him on the floor and he calmed down.

We talked it out, properly. Whenever he tried to deflect I would just kick him in the shins and he did the same for me – like we were children developing communication skills. But it worked; we got it all out in the open and left nothing to misinterpretation. I won’t go into everything we talked about. There are probably some things I should keep private in this family.

I had to give Jason a proper explanation the next morning – I could see a few uncomfortable looks at the breakfast table. I promised I would be completely open and honest if he asked me but I wouldn’t share everything with him. He is my son, not a sounding board; that’s what I have my dear readers for.

Jason’s doing all right, by the way. Has a steady girlfriend, job he’s not in love with but goes to five days a week. By all accounts he’s happy and healthy. I’m more than okay with the fact that he’s thriving without my guidance; but I sometimes feel we don’t have anything to talk about. We don’t talk about my work, James’ work, or family – I stopped asking about Jason’s work when I kept getting the same nonchalant response. These days I barely tell him when he might be in danger because of my actions.

I wanted to share this situation with him as a bridge to open communication. Reaching out to Jason on occasion won’t kill us. It may do us both some good.

And that’s where we are this week: a little tired and bruised but lighter.

I’m glad I talked to my husband first. Who knew communication was so essential to a marriage. That’s a forced joke, I know. Sometimes I don’t know how to end an update. I just keep writing until it feels right even if I have nothing left to say. Like now. I don’t know what else to say but I haven’t quite found the urge to end this update.

Just do it.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 19 July 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 07/19/17

This vigilante murder is harder than it seems. I forgot that the bulk of humanity is drawn to drama in some form or other. When the average person is killed, the news travels for a day – maybe a week if it was sensational in any way. But the only people who are invested in the subsequent investigation are the family members. When someone horrible is declared missing or found murdered, people want to know why. It’s purely selfish, you see. They want to know if they’re safe. If someone is bold and cruel enough to kill someone who can fight back, what’s to stop them from harming innocent people? That’s why I like killing innocents. There’s not enough public outcry.

It's easy enough to find a victim who has it coming – James has a whole pile on his desk at work and it’s easy enough to keep him distracted. Choosing a way to kill them is just entertaining – this time I chose asphyxiation with a mechanical pencil. Not too gruesome which I hoped would keep the news to a minimum.

I made national news, everyone. It’s been a few years since I made national news. What I thought was a simple gang member prone to violence turned out to be the illegitimate son of a billionaire who issued a reward for any information on the death of his son. The entire city is under scrutiny.

When James found out he was…upset that I’d put myself in danger. I’ve never heard him so sexist. “You’re my wife, I need to protect you.” I think that standoff a few weeks ago affected him more than he let on. I don’t blame him. But if he calls me “his wife” in that pathetic manly tone one more time I will stab him. Nothing that will leave permanent damage but just enough to teach him a lesson. I don’t care if he’s traumatized; if he won’t handle it on his own and he won’t ask for help, then he’ll need to be punished.

I don’t handle crises well. Can you tell? My personal problems are my own but when it comes to others – especially my loved ones – I’m never quite sure if they need discipline, love, patience, or a quick kick in the ass. It’s a bit of trial and error. I’m amazed my boys aren’t more screwed up than they already are.  The immutable power of the human spirit. Or something like that.

My boys are stronger than they seem and I need to trust them. No matter what I do to them. I just hope he talks to me soon. I can’t be held responsible for what I might do if he keeps up this need to take control.

All I did was kill a gang member and make national news, exposing myself to the authorities. What’s so wrong with that?

Alright…I see his point. But I had good intentions and he has no right to speak to me that way.

I suppose I’ll talk to him tonight. Before resorting to stabbing.

Boring.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 12 July 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 07/12/17

I apologize if my post last week seemed a little overdramatic. I wasn’t in the best emotional state when I found out that my husband might die and in hindsight, writing an update 10 minutes after getting a phone call like that was probably not the best idea. I apologize.

You’ll be happy to hear that James is home safe and sound. Well, relatively safe. He has some superficial wounds on his hands and arms, and the doctor says he’ll have a scar on his left eyebrow – which I find rather dashing – but he’s okay.

I went down to the sight after I published the update and stood as close as they’d let me. I couldn’t do anything but it was better than sitting around waiting. They asked me questions about James – his personality – whether or not he’d try and “play hero”. They didn’t say those exact words but that was the implication. They wanted to know if he’d do something stupid. I told them they had nothing to worry about. That might have been a lie; I had no idea if James had experience in hostage negation or whether he’d keep a cool head in these situations. I know how he is in stressful situations – like living with me – but this was a different world. Not my world.

Two hours of standing and waiting while police worked around me. Then suddenly the door opened and James was ushered out with a gun pointed at his head. After that, it was over in maybe five minutes. The kidnappers were subdued, James was taken to safety, and everyone was safe. He was a hero – at least in a small world, for ten minutes. He got everyone out alive.

He’s been at home recovering since then. I’m told he has a few more meetings before he’s cleared for active duty and I hope that this finally means a promotion. He laid his life on the line and came out a winner. According to one of his fellow officers, he just talked his way out. He talked with the kidnappers until they did what he wanted.

Apparently I could learn a thing or two from my husband. He’s been taking it all fairly well. He says he doesn’t want to talk about what happened beyond what’s necessary. I can understand that. I imagine he’s had to repeat his story a lot. I’m respecting that; which means I’ve made several phone calls to his station and spoken with his coworkers to get the whole picture.

My husband is a wonder.

As overdramatic as I was last week I meant what I said. I didn’t realize how much I…loved my husband until I was faced with the notion that I might not see him again. I couldn’t bear it – I now know I couldn’t – which means I am now more motivated than ever to protect him. I can’t just kill for fun now; I need to help him keep the streets safe. We’re a partnership in all ways. He’s always helped me so it’s my turn to help him.

I’m introducing my own brand of vigilantism. It’s really just strategic murder. Which is a step up from what I was doing before. I suppose.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 5 July 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 07/05/17

I’m so sorry, dear readers, I can’t focus on an update right now.

Um…

I got a call from James’ captain ten minutes ago.

He was on patrol last night and stumbled onto a robbery in progress which quickly turned into a hostage situation. He saved all of the hostages…

By exchanging his own life.

He’s been held captive since about 10 last night. They’ve been in negotiations since 1. At first they “didn’t want to worry me” but now they don’t know what will happen next. The captors aren’t responding and the police don’t know what to expect if they go in. They said it might not end well.

I’m writing this now so you understand; if I don’t update next week, I’ve died.

I have never been so scared in my entire life.

I married James because it was convenient and I genuinely liked him and he LOVED me. Beyond reason. Years ago, my like turned to love and it became a strange, passionate love.

Like it was written.

I couldn’t do this without him.

Oh god.

Jason. I have to tell him.




Be safe.

Wednesday, 28 June 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 06/28/17

Well it worked. I ran over a mailman – which is slightly inconvenient but effective. The next day, the city was there fixing the lights. After the police cleared out of course. It proves the working theory that real change doesn’t happen until you take action. That is by no means a suggestion to start a revolution but I find, dear readers, that you have to take what you want. A life, a new job, infrastructural change, you have to make it happen.

This is a very motivational post – which is apparently my thing right now – but I mean it.

I’ve even been trying to implement my new positive attitude at work. I took Heather out to lunch on Friday, just to check in with her. I know living at home and dealing with her ex-husband’s brutal murder – by her – hasn’t been easy but she seems to be all right. We had a nice chat, caught up on work gossip, the usual stuff. But then she asked me: “so who have you killed lately?” And you know what? I told her about the mailman. It felt good to talk to someone about my life – other than you, my dear readers – without fear of repercussions. James hasn’t been there lately. He’s been around but we haven’t talked about our day in weeks. I know we’ve both been busy and we’ve absolutely had conversations but not once this month have we stopped to take an interest in each other. I’m overthinking things, obviously, but when I sit down once a week and think about what’s been happening I start to notice patterns. I’ve also noticed that change is slow.

So I say, keep moving forward, keep learning, act out.

But don’t rebel. That always gets messy.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 21 June 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 06/21/17

Did you know that banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories? A reader sent me a few random facts to “get me started” on my new project of gaining new skills. Thank you, dear reader, I appreciate the sharing of knowledge. That was probably my favourite fact. It has practical applications. I wondered if banging someone else’s head against a wall would burn as many calories so I went in search of a new victim.

I found a cashier on his break, smoking in the alley behind the store.

While I’m thinking about it: how awesome are alleys? I couldn’t kill half as many people if I didn’t have a poorly lit back way around the city. Speaking of “poorly lit”; the streetlights turning into my neighbourhood have been off for over a month now and the city has done nothing about it. You can’t see a thing. I’ve nearly run over three pedestrians this month and I didn’t want to – I mean I WANTED to but that my intention was not kill them.

Although, maybe if there was an accident in our neighbourhood, the city would come and fix the lights. I know what I`m doing on my way to work today.

Anyways, I found a cashier, turned the calorie tracker on my phone, and tested my theory. You can actually burn more calories banging someone else’s head than hurting yourself. Just think about that next time you’re feeling frustrated.

Also some interesting facts this reader sent to me:

A baby octopus is about the size of a flea when it’s born.

The first alarm clock could only ring at 4am.

I don’t know how useful this information is but now you know something you probably didn’t and this blog, if anything, aims to be educational.

That’s a lie; anything I’ve taught my readers over the years has been entirely unintentional. Although I hope you have learnt something. You shouldn’t walk through life ignorant. That’s the whole point of this new endeavor of mine. Learn something completely new. Don’t be afraid to experiment and ask questions.

This has been a really “feel good” kind of update but you know what? I’m feeling pretty good right now and I’m not ashamed. I’m having a good day and even if someone disagrees, I will still have a good day.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 14 June 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 06/14/17

You know what I never really got? Musicals. I consider myself a fairly open-minded individual and I would never belittle those who pursue the arts but people breaking into song and dance sporadically is just bizarre. Even more troubling are the people who are in the background dancing along with the main characters. No matter what they’re doing they have to drop everything in order to sing a few notes about a situation they know nothing about. Can other people hear when they’re singing solos? And what about when two people are singing a duet in different places? How do they know they’re even in the right key? And don’t even get me started on the synchronized dance routines.

The reason I bring this up is the same reason I use a blog that my sister had to set up for me.

I am not technologically-inclined.

I’m not incapable of using my smart phone or various aspects of the internet but when it comes to social media, I feel perpetually behind. There’s always something that I don’t catch on to until months or years later. Over the weekend several of my Facebook friends changed their profile photo to include the message “Theatre Inspires” even though I don’t think any of them have been to see a live show in several years. They were following the trend inspired by the Tony Awards. Kevin Spacey hosted? That’s weird, right? I had no idea he was involved with musicals.

It highlighted a blind spot in my career as a murderess. I have a lot of knowledge about some small areas but I need to expand my horizons; learn more about social media, about musicals, about motorcycle repair – I don’t know. If I am going to live and kill in this world, I need to know more about it.

So to you, dear readers, I offer this: teach me something new. A fun fact or skill, something more than I knew before. Help me grow.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 7 June 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 06/07/17

How is it already June?

This year has gone by so quickly and so much has happened; politically, internationally, emotionally…

Andrew’s death, then Heather’s drama, then all the little things that piled up after that. It’s actually been a fairly lax year compared to others. I haven’t had a deranged private investigator out to kill me, I haven’t been institutionalized in an effort to break my addiction to murder, I haven’t had to deal with the loss of a child, or of a friend. It’s been a fairly uninspiring year in terms of kills. I hate to think that I’ve hit a rut.

The reason I’ve been a little reflective this week is because I got a call from a detective at the local precinct. Apparently, they’re reopening the investigation into the death of our neighbour’s babysitter and wanted to reinterview all of her acquaintances. I don’t even remember killing Cassandra but according to my notes, I was delirious and irritable from the cold meds and I grabbed her on New Year’s Eve and disposed of her body in the woods. Nothing unusual or worth noting but her case has changed hands and the new detective is starting from scratch. Annoying to be sure but it was a nice trip down memory lane. When I say “nice”, I mean depressing. I sometimes wonder why my life has taken this path. I’ve never missed having an ordinary upbringing or my choice to become a serial killer. But I have days where my life feels so boring or routine. Even on the craziest days, it’s just a part of my life. I wonder what my life would have been like if I’d taken a different path. Would I be happier or calmer, or lonelier? Are there things in my life I could be doing better?

This is what happens when I hit a rut. Don’t let me do it again.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 31 May 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 05/31/17

This week’s update is brought to you by the rolling meat cleaver. I’ve used a meat cleaver before – obviously, it’s such a fantastic tool – but last week, James brought me home a rolling meat cleaver. Some men bring home flowers, some bring home useful, personalized items. He’s amazing – as is this tool. It is exactly how it sounds: it rolls, latches onto skin, and just pulls. And bashes. And tears.

It’s so pretty. Like it’s Christmas all over again. But actually fun.

I’ve just been playing with it all weekend. My husband is very pleased with himself – as he should be. I love my present.

Things are just happy right now, I’m in my bubble of contentment right now. Nothing can ruin my mood.


Shit.

I just said that so something horrible is going to happen in the next week or so.

Shit.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 24 May 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 05/24/17

It’s finally summer and I’m loving it. I love the cool breezes, the warm sun, the endless construction zones in which I can hide bodies. I don’t often bury my victims because I like hearing about the discovery and investigation right away. I need to know what areas I need to improve on. Plus I hate surprises – for obvious reasons – and there’s less control when you hide something in a public place.

The only exception is construction zones and wet cement. I learned in my 20s how to operate a lot of the onsite equipment and it does come in handy. I’d like to think that hundreds of years later, they’ll find hundreds of bodies buried under the city and have no idea where to begin.

Summer also means vacation time. James and I haven’t gone away in what feel like forever and we’re absolutely due for a break. I’m going to talk to him tonight about renting a cabin or going out to the beach. Just getting away for the weekend will do us some good. With all that’s been going on lately we haven’t had the easiest time. Not that we aren’t having sex. There’s just…a block. I can’t describe it. But now that the weather is nice, I think some fresh air will do us good.

I hope you are all enjoying the sun. And have a productive week.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday, 17 May 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 05/17/17

I apologize for not updating last week. I could have updated you on Thursday but why bother? Then it wouldn’t be a “mid-week” update.

Side note: it’s too late to change it now but I wish this blog had a better title. This is so generic.

Moving on.

Last Tuesday night I had to drive down to the police station to pick up my son. Jason was fine but I was asked to drive him home due to trauma. He witnessed a train accident downtown and helped to provide information and context for the paramedics and police investigation. When I came to get him, the officer accompanying him confided that he was quiet and withdrawn and they worried about the effect the accident had on him. I almost laughed but I realize that Jason is dealing with death a little differently than I am.

So when we got home, I opted to talk to him about what was going on. He was quiet on the ride home but as we sat in the driveway, he confessed that the sight of blood now makes him shaky. He wanted to help and did as much as he could but he can’t stop shaking.

Instead of sending him off to bed, I drive to the nearest Denny’s – because at this point it was nearly midnight – where we sat and ate until he felt a little more stable. We didn’t talk except about everyday life; work, friends, school. A little after 4am we finally drove home and we both went straight to bed.

Unfortunately, I didn’t hear my alarm go off the next morning and I was scrambling to make it to work on time. I was late, by the way. The update completely slipped my mind until I was driving home at the end of the day and by then, I didn’t think it was necessary.

I’m sorry I didn’t update last week, I was taking care of my son. Sometimes other things take priority.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 3 May 2017

Your Mid-Week Update 05/03/17

As I mentioned last week (or maybe I didn’t, I don’t keep track) after Betty’s death, they opened an investigation and a kindly police officer came in to talk to Betty’s coworkers. We were all given Friday afternoon off because of the investigation and potential trauma. Thankfully the weather was actually warm so I took Jason out for drive-in milkshakes and then to that new Power Rangers movie – because my son is not a cliché, and therefore not embarrassed to spend time with his mother.

On Tuesday, the news reported that Betty’s ex-boyfriend was arrested on suspicion of her murder. Apparently they found the murder weapon in his apartment and he had a “violent history with the victim”. It’s not often I actually get to see who would have killed my victim if I hadn’t stepped in. I’m sorry Betty you definitely would have been killed this year. Your ex-boyfriend is crazy.

Still…I have to wonder how they found the murder weapon in his apartment.

I’m sure it was just a similar weapon and they jumped to conclusions. Because the police are a cliché.

I’m so glad James doesn’t read this blog, he’d be upset that I said that.

I’m still not wrong.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 26 April 2017

Your Mid-Week Update 04/26/17

Many of you commented on my last update asking me to let Betty live and I suppose you’re right. Gaining viewers is a lot harder than gaining victims.

But I already stabbed her in the ear with a letter opener and left her body to rot in a watershed so…oops? I’m not really sorry you guys. I probably should be but it’s done and Betty was probably going to die anyways.

I think the worst part was battling the elements. The weather has been so crazy all this month. It snowed, then it was humid and hot, then it was raining, and now it’s snowing again except it’s warm enough that it melts before it touches the ground. The entire city is just slush. Luke warm slush. Everything is slippery and damp and I hate it.

The mess has made everything inconvenient. Just inconvenient. Do you realize how annoying that is? That’s like Blockbuster only carrying the second best movie.

Ooh I dated myself didn’t I? Meh. You knew that coming in to this update so why am I justifying myself?

I’m rambling, it’s time to go.

Yeah.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 19 April 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 04/19/17

I’m feeling so conflicted. James thinks I should go through with it but I want your opinion.

I’ve chosen my work victim. Her name is Betty and she works in the sales department. She’s quiet and isolated within her department. From what I’ve overheard, none of the women feel comfortable around her and she gives off a very “odd” vibe. By all accounts she’ll be a very easy kill.

But here’s the thing.

I snuck on to her computer on Friday afternoon and looked at her search history.

She reads the blog.

And she’s even commented on a few.

First of all: PSYCHO! Even I know that it’s slightly psychotic to enjoy the world that I live in. I am not the norm. I don’t hide or supress my dark urges. People who read and enjoy my blog are obviously concealing some serious issues.

Not that I don’t love my readers.

But even you can admit that you’re not here because you’re “normal”.

Which brings me to my second point which is: I NEED THE VIEWERS!

You guys don’t see my viewer stats every week. You are small but loyal readers but emphasis on small.

I don’t want to lose any readers especially if I intentionally kill them off. I’ve often thought about whether or not I’ve accidently murdered a reader. If I have I’m so sorry – although you’re not around to read this so…whatever.

My intention is to murder and to have readers and not kill readers.

But Betty is the perfect kill at work.

James says I should go through with it but what do you guys think?

Would you, as my readers, be okay losing a fellow viewer?

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 12 April 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 04/12/17

People in cars are idiots. They’re also easy kills. I’ve always known this but sometimes you get to indulge in the simple pleasures in life. Essentially, some asshole cut me off so I followed him into a parking lot and cut his breaks. I wonder if that counts towards road rage statistics or homicide statistics. Both? It’s something I’ve never thought about.

You know what I have thought about? Killing Lydia. Why is it so damn hard for you to follow direction? You have had two weeks to finish those reports and they’re still not done. It takes you four hours to do what it takes everyone else one hour to do. At least Heather’s was always good at her job before we became friends. I want her gone. She’s beyond my patience.

Ugh. She’s too close to kill, I can’t do it. I’ve learned my lesson. But I’d like to kill someone at work. I realize that I haven’t killed anyone in the office since Daniel – for obvious reasons. I know the risks and it’ll require a little more pre-work but I’m making it my challenge for the month.

It’s officially Kill Your Co-Worker Month. Who’s in?

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 5 April 2017

Your Mid-Week Update 04/05/17

I love feeling that I accomplished nothing only to find that I’ve had a fairly productive week. It’s a little confidence boost that is always appreciated.

I got my taxes done, I had dinner with my husband every night – either at home or at his work – I spent time with Jason, I checked in on Heather and got her settled back into her house, I perfected my screw driver work on a pair of college boys; hint: you’d think it was all in the wrist action but it’s better to lead with the shoulder. There’s more power behind it and you end up exuded less effort. Exuding? Is that the right word? I hate second guessing myself. I know my grammar and spelling isn’t the best on this blog but the idea wasn’t to filter y thoughts. I’m just here to tell you my story. Sometimes I’m too tired to think straight and sometimes I just have nothing to talk about (or I’m not ready to talk about). Like this week. Nothing exciting or noteworthy has happened. That’s not a bad thing and I’m certainly not going to jinx it by saying that I’m happy or settled…

Although I guess I just did.

Fuck.

In any case, I have nothing to talk about and that’s not a bad thing. People are dying, my family is content, work is productive. That’s all. That’s really all.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 29 March 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 03/29/17

My talk with Heather about getting off of my god damn couch was much more successful than I ever could have imagined. I approached her last Wednesday afternoon and very calmly asked if she’d be willing to stop by her house to pick up her mail this weekend. She was quiet for a moment and then she nodded slowly and agreed to drive over on Saturday.

And that was that. I took her to her house, doorstep piling up with mail, and even convinced her to go inside. I’ll admit, I did a fantastic job of cleaning up but now the living room seemed empty. We didn’t stay long but we were only gone long enough to grab her things and move them back into her own bedroom.

Heather is officially back at home and doing well, from what I hear. I kind of wish I’d gently kicked her out sooner. But it’s done now so things can go back to normal. I’m even back on my regular kill schedule which is just orgasmically wonderful. That is a word that should be a part of the English language for how powerful the imagery is – at least I think so. I’m just so satisfied with being able to go back to committing murder without worrying about anyone else. It’s making things more fun.

For example, I had no idea there were so many nerve endings on the back and thigh area. It was fascinating to see a young man just crumple with a simple jab from my nail gun – which does not shoot like a gun, thank you, film industry. It still packs a powerful punch and telling your husband that you stapled a man to death is just delightful. His face just lit up. He is so adorable when he wants to be. God I love him.

Give me a break, my anniversary is coming up and I might actually get to spend it with my husband. Wouldn’t that be nice?

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday, 22 March 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 03/22/17

You’d think that at my age I’d be able to confront conflict and acknowledge emotion but at heart I’m still a twenty year old who has no idea how to find a real balance and happiness with life.

Which is why I’m having such a problem telling Heather that she needs to get off my fucking couch.

I am happy to support my friend in a hobby that we both seem to share but it’s time. It’s god damn time she went home and dealt with the fact that she murdered her husband and I’ve been doing all the hard work. I cleaned her house, I reported him missing, I filed all of her paperwork so she could sit on my couch moping for weeks on end. She needs to start doing something productive. And that starts with her sleeping in own bed at home by the end of this week.

I have no other priorities other than getting Heather off my god damn couch by Friday night. Or so help me there will be another murder.

She got toothpaste on the counter and didn’t clean it up. I know that’s an incredibly minor thing but it’s on a list of 400 other minor things that she’s done in the past month to piss me off. She left an empty milk cartoon in the fridge, she’s stopped folding up the blankets on the couch, on more than one occasion she’s “accidentally” walked into my room without knocking. It’s like living with a frat boy and I’m over it.

The boys have been ready for her to leave for a while now but I’ve defended her because she’s my friend and apparently murder is traumatic but now she’s just pissing me off.

I’ve thought about how to approach her and I’ve narrowed it down to two approaches: “Get over it and get out!” or “Hey Heather, I thought we’d drive by your house today and pick up your mail.”

Like I said: the emotional stability of a twenty-year-old. I’d like to go with the latter but something tells me I’m going to end up shouting the former on Friday afternoon before she leaves work.

I promise that’s not my plan but realistically, that’s what’s going to happen.

That’s not my intention but it will happen.

I’m a bad person sometimes.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday, 15 March 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 03/15/17

I opened the letter – of course I did. Curiosity finally got the better of me around 4am on Friday morning when I was up thinking about my life to this date. When we had career day in elementary school, I never would have guessed I’d end up with a loving husband, a fucked up child, a deranged woman living on my couch, and two equally murderous jobs.

It’s a copy of her college entrance essay. I’m not going to share it but it was very well written and a very moving piece about her family and her personal experiences. It was 1000 words that made it feel like Sandra was sitting beside me. But I was right: knowing what was in the letter brought back emotions that didn’t need to be addressed at 4am on a Friday. Now I’m just tired and distracted but ultimately quiet.

I don’t like it. I hate feeling mildly out of control.

There’s nothing…there’s nothing else.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe