Wednesday, 19 July 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 07/19/17

This vigilante murder is harder than it seems. I forgot that the bulk of humanity is drawn to drama in some form or other. When the average person is killed, the news travels for a day – maybe a week if it was sensational in any way. But the only people who are invested in the subsequent investigation are the family members. When someone horrible is declared missing or found murdered, people want to know why. It’s purely selfish, you see. They want to know if they’re safe. If someone is bold and cruel enough to kill someone who can fight back, what’s to stop them from harming innocent people? That’s why I like killing innocents. There’s not enough public outcry.

It's easy enough to find a victim who has it coming – James has a whole pile on his desk at work and it’s easy enough to keep him distracted. Choosing a way to kill them is just entertaining – this time I chose asphyxiation with a mechanical pencil. Not too gruesome which I hoped would keep the news to a minimum.

I made national news, everyone. It’s been a few years since I made national news. What I thought was a simple gang member prone to violence turned out to be the illegitimate son of a billionaire who issued a reward for any information on the death of his son. The entire city is under scrutiny.

When James found out he was…upset that I’d put myself in danger. I’ve never heard him so sexist. “You’re my wife, I need to protect you.” I think that standoff a few weeks ago affected him more than he let on. I don’t blame him. But if he calls me “his wife” in that pathetic manly tone one more time I will stab him. Nothing that will leave permanent damage but just enough to teach him a lesson. I don’t care if he’s traumatized; if he won’t handle it on his own and he won’t ask for help, then he’ll need to be punished.

I don’t handle crises well. Can you tell? My personal problems are my own but when it comes to others – especially my loved ones – I’m never quite sure if they need discipline, love, patience, or a quick kick in the ass. It’s a bit of trial and error. I’m amazed my boys aren’t more screwed up than they already are.  The immutable power of the human spirit. Or something like that.

My boys are stronger than they seem and I need to trust them. No matter what I do to them. I just hope he talks to me soon. I can’t be held responsible for what I might do if he keeps up this need to take control.

All I did was kill a gang member and make national news, exposing myself to the authorities. What’s so wrong with that?

Alright…I see his point. But I had good intentions and he has no right to speak to me that way.

I suppose I’ll talk to him tonight. Before resorting to stabbing.

Boring.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 12 July 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 07/12/17

I apologize if my post last week seemed a little overdramatic. I wasn’t in the best emotional state when I found out that my husband might die and in hindsight, writing an update 10 minutes after getting a phone call like that was probably not the best idea. I apologize.

You’ll be happy to hear that James is home safe and sound. Well, relatively safe. He has some superficial wounds on his hands and arms, and the doctor says he’ll have a scar on his left eyebrow – which I find rather dashing – but he’s okay.

I went down to the sight after I published the update and stood as close as they’d let me. I couldn’t do anything but it was better than sitting around waiting. They asked me questions about James – his personality – whether or not he’d try and “play hero”. They didn’t say those exact words but that was the implication. They wanted to know if he’d do something stupid. I told them they had nothing to worry about. That might have been a lie; I had no idea if James had experience in hostage negation or whether he’d keep a cool head in these situations. I know how he is in stressful situations – like living with me – but this was a different world. Not my world.

Two hours of standing and waiting while police worked around me. Then suddenly the door opened and James was ushered out with a gun pointed at his head. After that, it was over in maybe five minutes. The kidnappers were subdued, James was taken to safety, and everyone was safe. He was a hero – at least in a small world, for ten minutes. He got everyone out alive.

He’s been at home recovering since then. I’m told he has a few more meetings before he’s cleared for active duty and I hope that this finally means a promotion. He laid his life on the line and came out a winner. According to one of his fellow officers, he just talked his way out. He talked with the kidnappers until they did what he wanted.

Apparently I could learn a thing or two from my husband. He’s been taking it all fairly well. He says he doesn’t want to talk about what happened beyond what’s necessary. I can understand that. I imagine he’s had to repeat his story a lot. I’m respecting that; which means I’ve made several phone calls to his station and spoken with his coworkers to get the whole picture.

My husband is a wonder.

As overdramatic as I was last week I meant what I said. I didn’t realize how much I…loved my husband until I was faced with the notion that I might not see him again. I couldn’t bear it – I now know I couldn’t – which means I am now more motivated than ever to protect him. I can’t just kill for fun now; I need to help him keep the streets safe. We’re a partnership in all ways. He’s always helped me so it’s my turn to help him.

I’m introducing my own brand of vigilantism. It’s really just strategic murder. Which is a step up from what I was doing before. I suppose.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 5 July 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 07/05/17

I’m so sorry, dear readers, I can’t focus on an update right now.

Um…

I got a call from James’ captain ten minutes ago.

He was on patrol last night and stumbled onto a robbery in progress which quickly turned into a hostage situation. He saved all of the hostages…

By exchanging his own life.

He’s been held captive since about 10 last night. They’ve been in negotiations since 1. At first they “didn’t want to worry me” but now they don’t know what will happen next. The captors aren’t responding and the police don’t know what to expect if they go in. They said it might not end well.

I’m writing this now so you understand; if I don’t update next week, I’ve died.

I have never been so scared in my entire life.

I married James because it was convenient and I genuinely liked him and he LOVED me. Beyond reason. Years ago, my like turned to love and it became a strange, passionate love.

Like it was written.

I couldn’t do this without him.

Oh god.

Jason. I have to tell him.




Be safe.

Wednesday, 28 June 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 06/28/17

Well it worked. I ran over a mailman – which is slightly inconvenient but effective. The next day, the city was there fixing the lights. After the police cleared out of course. It proves the working theory that real change doesn’t happen until you take action. That is by no means a suggestion to start a revolution but I find, dear readers, that you have to take what you want. A life, a new job, infrastructural change, you have to make it happen.

This is a very motivational post – which is apparently my thing right now – but I mean it.

I’ve even been trying to implement my new positive attitude at work. I took Heather out to lunch on Friday, just to check in with her. I know living at home and dealing with her ex-husband’s brutal murder – by her – hasn’t been easy but she seems to be all right. We had a nice chat, caught up on work gossip, the usual stuff. But then she asked me: “so who have you killed lately?” And you know what? I told her about the mailman. It felt good to talk to someone about my life – other than you, my dear readers – without fear of repercussions. James hasn’t been there lately. He’s been around but we haven’t talked about our day in weeks. I know we’ve both been busy and we’ve absolutely had conversations but not once this month have we stopped to take an interest in each other. I’m overthinking things, obviously, but when I sit down once a week and think about what’s been happening I start to notice patterns. I’ve also noticed that change is slow.

So I say, keep moving forward, keep learning, act out.

But don’t rebel. That always gets messy.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 21 June 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 06/21/17

Did you know that banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories? A reader sent me a few random facts to “get me started” on my new project of gaining new skills. Thank you, dear reader, I appreciate the sharing of knowledge. That was probably my favourite fact. It has practical applications. I wondered if banging someone else’s head against a wall would burn as many calories so I went in search of a new victim.

I found a cashier on his break, smoking in the alley behind the store.

While I’m thinking about it: how awesome are alleys? I couldn’t kill half as many people if I didn’t have a poorly lit back way around the city. Speaking of “poorly lit”; the streetlights turning into my neighbourhood have been off for over a month now and the city has done nothing about it. You can’t see a thing. I’ve nearly run over three pedestrians this month and I didn’t want to – I mean I WANTED to but that my intention was not kill them.

Although, maybe if there was an accident in our neighbourhood, the city would come and fix the lights. I know what I`m doing on my way to work today.

Anyways, I found a cashier, turned the calorie tracker on my phone, and tested my theory. You can actually burn more calories banging someone else’s head than hurting yourself. Just think about that next time you’re feeling frustrated.

Also some interesting facts this reader sent to me:

A baby octopus is about the size of a flea when it’s born.

The first alarm clock could only ring at 4am.

I don’t know how useful this information is but now you know something you probably didn’t and this blog, if anything, aims to be educational.

That’s a lie; anything I’ve taught my readers over the years has been entirely unintentional. Although I hope you have learnt something. You shouldn’t walk through life ignorant. That’s the whole point of this new endeavor of mine. Learn something completely new. Don’t be afraid to experiment and ask questions.

This has been a really “feel good” kind of update but you know what? I’m feeling pretty good right now and I’m not ashamed. I’m having a good day and even if someone disagrees, I will still have a good day.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 14 June 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 06/14/17

You know what I never really got? Musicals. I consider myself a fairly open-minded individual and I would never belittle those who pursue the arts but people breaking into song and dance sporadically is just bizarre. Even more troubling are the people who are in the background dancing along with the main characters. No matter what they’re doing they have to drop everything in order to sing a few notes about a situation they know nothing about. Can other people hear when they’re singing solos? And what about when two people are singing a duet in different places? How do they know they’re even in the right key? And don’t even get me started on the synchronized dance routines.

The reason I bring this up is the same reason I use a blog that my sister had to set up for me.

I am not technologically-inclined.

I’m not incapable of using my smart phone or various aspects of the internet but when it comes to social media, I feel perpetually behind. There’s always something that I don’t catch on to until months or years later. Over the weekend several of my Facebook friends changed their profile photo to include the message “Theatre Inspires” even though I don’t think any of them have been to see a live show in several years. They were following the trend inspired by the Tony Awards. Kevin Spacey hosted? That’s weird, right? I had no idea he was involved with musicals.

It highlighted a blind spot in my career as a murderess. I have a lot of knowledge about some small areas but I need to expand my horizons; learn more about social media, about musicals, about motorcycle repair – I don’t know. If I am going to live and kill in this world, I need to know more about it.

So to you, dear readers, I offer this: teach me something new. A fun fact or skill, something more than I knew before. Help me grow.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 7 June 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 06/07/17

How is it already June?

This year has gone by so quickly and so much has happened; politically, internationally, emotionally…

Andrew’s death, then Heather’s drama, then all the little things that piled up after that. It’s actually been a fairly lax year compared to others. I haven’t had a deranged private investigator out to kill me, I haven’t been institutionalized in an effort to break my addiction to murder, I haven’t had to deal with the loss of a child, or of a friend. It’s been a fairly uninspiring year in terms of kills. I hate to think that I’ve hit a rut.

The reason I’ve been a little reflective this week is because I got a call from a detective at the local precinct. Apparently, they’re reopening the investigation into the death of our neighbour’s babysitter and wanted to reinterview all of her acquaintances. I don’t even remember killing Cassandra but according to my notes, I was delirious and irritable from the cold meds and I grabbed her on New Year’s Eve and disposed of her body in the woods. Nothing unusual or worth noting but her case has changed hands and the new detective is starting from scratch. Annoying to be sure but it was a nice trip down memory lane. When I say “nice”, I mean depressing. I sometimes wonder why my life has taken this path. I’ve never missed having an ordinary upbringing or my choice to become a serial killer. But I have days where my life feels so boring or routine. Even on the craziest days, it’s just a part of my life. I wonder what my life would have been like if I’d taken a different path. Would I be happier or calmer, or lonelier? Are there things in my life I could be doing better?

This is what happens when I hit a rut. Don’t let me do it again.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe